“As time has passed there have been more good days, more moments when you’re able to find joy and comfort, and happy memories. And I can imagine that on those better days maybe sometimes you worry about whether in moving on you may in some way be leaving your loved ones behind. But I can’t help but think that it’s actually just the opposite. That in having the courage to move forward, you honor their courage. That in choosing to live your own lives as fully as you can, you’re celebrating theirs. That in coming together and pushing ahead to build this permanent memorial you’re ensuring that their memory will all ways be a part not just of your own lives but of the life of this nation. And know that because you kept going, because you persevered, that long after you’re gone people will come here, continue to come here to Shanksville and they will stand at this plaza and listen to the echos of those chimes and they will gaze out at this field…and they will see how a scar in the earth has healed, how it has grown back as a peaceful resting place for 40 of our nations heroes…It is my prayer that in the years ahead, all who come here may be filled by the hope that is written in the Book of Psalms, ‘Though you may have made me see troubles many and bitter, you will restore my life again, from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.’ May the memories of those who gave their lives here continue to be a blessing to all of you, and an inspiration to all Americans.”
I’ve tried lately to get a handle on where my life is going, what I’m doing or supposed to be doing, how I want to feel. Lots of things have me thinking: my boyfriend and I split, my grandmother passed, I’m unemployed, I’m completely unhappy about my health. It’s a lot to handle when I’m convinced I’m doing the life equivalent of running on fumes.
I’m not sure I’ve come to any firm conclusions but I think I’m starting to realize how much time I spend looking backwards and forwards, and not nearly enough focusing on right now. I can spend hours looking at old facebook photos or dreaming about what I’m going to weigh or how I’ll look at my brother’s wedding in a year. I want to do less of that.
It’s not about avoiding plans for my future, or banishing regret. But I wonder if maybe I’ll start feeling better about right now if I start focusing on today.
I’m also starting to realize that my life is full of distractions, full of devices (and vices) that at first glance I think I’m using to keep myself in the moment: a drink (or 10) to forget about what happened earlier today, constant internet to avoid what I should do later, and a bite (or 20) to pretend it won’t count tomorrow. But none of that is addressing what’s happening today. I think it’s a numbing agent, one more thing to help me avoid what’s going on around me.
I’m so eager to end this post by saying what I’m going to do tomorrow to change things. But I think, for once, I think I’m just going to say that right now, I’ll sleep.